All of us at some point in our life have been lied to, deceived, manipulated, mistreated or taken advantage of by another person. Not every person on the planet is going to be your well wisher.
“Haters gonna hate
People gonna say what they say
But we don’t care about that anyway
Whoa whoa whoa
Don’t you ever change
People gonna say what they say
But we don’t care about that anyway
If you’re lookin’ good
Then you must be dumb
If you ain’t got money
Then you’re not someone
Either you’re too young to matter
Or you’re way too old (too old)
Public opinion is so hot and cold
So don’t you listen to a word they say
They gonna keep on talkin’ anyway
Only thing that matters
That you need to know
You’ll only find it in your heart and soul” – TLC “Haters” Songwriters: Brian Jarrett/ Daniel Ulmann/ Steve Dresser
Why is it that some people seem get over these situations easily and have little difficulty trusting in the future, while others find it challenging to trust again? What happens when we don’t trust? The outcome is we can become socially isolated and lonely.
If we were really honest, we will also find that at some stage in our life we have lied to, deceived, manipulated or taken advantage of another person, including doing this to ourselves.
So what’s the solution?
Starting to blindly trust everyone can be hazardous and is not the answer and neither is not being able to trust anyone. We as human beings are social creatures. We need to interact with others to stay healthy physically, mentally and emotionally as well as function at our optimal level.
To help with being able to trust again, move forward with your life, rebuild your relationships and reconnect with others here are some tips about what you can do:
1. Discover the source. What’s causing this issue in the first place?
Who is more trusting than a baby? No one is born lacking trust. Realize that something happened to cause distrust to become your modus operandi when dealing with others. It may be one or several situations from your past.
2. Examine and question the past. Become curious like a detective and ask yourself:
- Is the reason for my general distrust based on fact or actual occurrence, or is it based on a negative emotion such as fear, an expectation or a limiting belief about a situation?
- Did I overreact? Could I have responded or reacted differently?
- Could I have been more discerning?
- Was I too trusting too soon? Or, was I not trusting enough?
- Is my lack of trust the result of one bad experience that’s clouding my judgment?
- Was I naïve, immature or too inexperienced?
- How else could I have perceived or viewed the situation?
3. Keep the past in the past
Feeling sorry for yourself and/or continuing to bring up an old hurt is a sure way to prolong your suffering. Did you have an experience where your ex cheated on you 10 years ago? That’s one person, a single instance, and 10 years ago. Let it go and move on.
4. Learn & continue to reassess your situation
If you believe someone burned you in the past, what are some ways to avoid a similar situation in the future? Shutting down, cutting off and/or completely withdrawing is an effective, but excessive, solution. It can eliminate some of your challenges with others, but it also eliminates much of the pleasure to be found in life, too. Ask yourself is this really necessary? Do you need to do this permanently or is it merely a temporary strategy till you get better clarity and a better perspective on the situation. Give yourself an hour, 24 hours or a few days to cool down, get a clear head and get a fresh look at what is going on. Keep reassessing till you have clarity.
5. Don’t be in a rush. Set boundaries till trust is earned
Sometimes we trust way too much and other times way too little. Sometimes we trust people too quickly or because we’ve had a bad experience in the past, we drag our heels when it comes to trusting others. Often, the best solutions are found in the middle, in between the 2 extremes. Until it is warranted that someone has your complete trust, give them the ability to build towards receiving your trust by setting up limits. E.g. getting them to meet you at a designated public place at a specific time 6:00 pm. Have them demonstrate they can consistently hit a specific criteria, target or level such as showing up, being productive, efficient, reliable, competent or performing well.
Set up boundaries to ensure that your trust is merited. E.g. beyond a certain point, allow people to earn your trust. Avoid sharing things that are extremely personal or giving people access to things that are valuable right away. Let people show you that they are caring, responsible and will not breach your trust or confidentiality. Avoid trusting others to hold what is most valuable for you in their possession until you are satisfied that they have earned the right to do so.
6. Question the present
If you find yourself lacking trust or not wanting to trust someone, ask yourself if it’s justified.
- Do I have a legitimate reason not to trust this person? Why do I feel this way? What emotions are being triggered?
- Am I unfairly preempting or judging this person?
- Did I experience something in the past that is causing me to feel this way and not want to trust now?
- Am I attempting to trust too much too soon?
- What are the consequences of this person letting me down?
- What are the consequences of not trusting this person?
- How else could I view this situation and get a different perspective?
7. Be more trustworthy
Become 100% honest with yourself. Often not trusting others can be based upon not being able to trust yourself first. If you can’t rely and trust in yourself, why would you believe and trust in others? Start with making a 100% commitment to yourself to be honest and trustworthy and stick to it. That way not only can you rely on your own words and actions, other people can rely on it too. By striving to be trustworthy, you’ll find many of your trust issues may disappear.
8. Reconnect & rebuild
When you’re ready to reach out to others, make an effort to start with the most trustworthy people you know and branch out from there. Commence by doing whatever it takes to rebuild your relationship with them and continue to nurture and enhance it regularly.
If someone has repeatedly violated your trust, remove them from your life. Once you have clearly determined that they don’t have your best interest at heart and are instead a parasite, it’s time to remove them permanently by no longer interacting with them at all. You become who you associate with, so whoever you associate with is vitally important for every aspect of your life. Surround yourself with people of excellent character, that uphold you to become the best that you can be, people that truly care about you that you deserve in your life.
While trust issues can be painful, challenging and it may take a little time to overcome them, it’s certainly more fulfilling and worthwhile than choosing the alternative being isolated and lonely.
In contrast, having periods of time where you are alone and/or choosing your own counsel is not only healthy, it’s a good thing. It allows you time for self assessment and self analysis, time to be creative, time to relax and decompress. It gives you the time and space to be able to get a fresh outlook on what’s going on.
9. Give yourself the gift of Life Force Energy
Another way you can help to improve your relationship with your own self as well as others is through Life Force Energy. This universally intelligent energy directly connects you to the source of all creation. It uplifts your spirit, elevates your consciousness, helps you to function with a greater level of awareness to optimize all the different aspects of your life while it deepens and enhances your personal and professional relationships. To learn more about the Life Force Energy Programs go to: https://www.dezikoster.com/programs/
By examining your past objectively, you can start journeying along a new path that leads to more meaningful and enjoyable relationships, that not only improves the quality of your life, it helps to improve the quality of life of everyone that you interact with.
Remember the journey of 10,000 miles starts with the first step. By investing in yourself and your relationships you are making an investment for your future.
TLC “Haters” video: