Most people don’t like conflict. They avoid it like the plague.
But what is conflict really? By avoiding it are you doing more harm to yourself than good?
Conflict is the tension or discordance we experience when we perceive something is not going smoothly, i.e. it’s not going according to our needs, wants, desires or expectations.
Tension is also a natural part of change and growth. As we change, evolve and transform in our personal development as we move towards self-actualization, we will inevitably experience conflict and the tension that emanates from it.
Conflict arises when our beliefs and/or our identity is perceived to be threatened.
There are 12 fundamental or limiting core beliefs that we as human beings fabricate in order to keep our identity about who we believe we are intact. These beliefs are our internal gauge that moderate whether our identity or the beliefs themselves are being threatened.
These 12 beliefs are:
I’m unworthy.
I’m not good enough
I don’t belong
I need to control myself
I’m unsafe – I can’t trust myself, others or the world
I’m insignificant/invisible
I don’t have the capacity
I’m powerless
There is a “right way”
There is a “way things are” (the world is)
I’m not allowed to be capable
I need to be perfect
Conflict is based upon our perception; however, our perception is not the true reality.
E.g. We may perceive that a friend is not caring, has hurt our feelings and is mean. The reality is they were expressing an opinion about something totally unrelated to us. In this scenario, we were triggered by what was said based on one of our limiting beliefs about being unworthy.
E.g. we may perceive that a situation is scary or threatening because we were told by our parents at a young age that listening to music and dancing was evil and bad things would happen to us.. The reality is music and dancing are both creative expressions. In this scenario the fear or perceived threat is based upon a belief of being unsafe.
There are 2 types of tension:
Psychological tension – this is the tension that’s created when our fundamental beliefs get triggered and we react based upon those limiting beliefs and associated emotions. When psychological tension comes up, our default pattern is our reactionary response. Our reactionary response consists of the dysfunctional behaviors we do as a reaction.
E.g. blame, deny, suppress, lie, avoid, shut down, switch off and become aloof, get angry, frustrated, yell, fight, feel sad, feel sorry for oneself, addictive behaviors, self-harming behaviors, substance abuse, self-deprecation etc. We repeat this pattern over and over again and we react the same way over and over again.
Creative Tension – this is the tension that’s created when we are going for what we love, our true heart’s desire. It gives us the impetus to follow through with the obvious actions at every step along the journey of turning our vision, our dreams into reality.
While tension is not always comfortable, it is part of life and growth. Instead of attempting to avoid or fight it, simply be aware of it and observe it.
Conflict is the best tool for self-awareness.
It shines a light on what type of tension is driving you as well as what reactionary response you are making. Once you are aware of this you can choose to continue to react in a disempowered way or choose to respond in an empowered way.
Make conflict your ally.
Embrace conflict. Don’t run away from it, avoid or deny it. Instead, simply face it.
If you are someone who avoids conflict, then you need to build and strengthen the “ Dealing with Conflict” muscle in your life! By becoming aware of what beliefs you are running and how you’re reacting to them, you will boost your ability to be able to not just face conflict, but handle conflict, follow through and deal with it maturely, like a pro.
